Not doing this anymore
by finsbaby
Summary: Dean's taken all he can take, and he refuses to take anymore.
1. intro

**Please be nice it's my first Supernatural fic! I own nothing except the "Sam hug him back!" exclamation during AHBL2. lol I still block out the last five minutes of AHBL, the first one. Anyway, this is just the introduction. I want to set the story up. Dean is so strong and such a good big brother, but what about Dean himself? He has one year left and he has no plans on leaving this world with any regrets or unfinished business. He takes off, while abandoned, confused Sam follows. Expect some hurt, sick, limp, angsty Sam and the same goes for Dean. What can I say, I love chick flick moments:)**

**For those reading my Law and Order SVU fic, posting chapter 3 now.**

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I watched saw my mother burn to death. I'll never forget the look in her eyes as the flames consumed her. Seconds later my baby

brother was thrust into my arms and I was told to run outside and don't look back. I ran down the steps, onto the porch, and reached

the yard. Looking up, I watched the my life, my innocence, burning to the ground. My father scooped me up, and he ran to the

sidewalk. That night changed him, and it changed me too. Sometimes I wonder if anyone knew that. I watched doctors try to bring my

father back to life years later, courtesy of the yellow eyed demon. Time of death, 10:41am. Someone should have checked my pulse,

because I sure felt dead inside. I need to be honest. If not for Sam, I would never had made it as far as I have. I barely talked after my

mom died, but at night, when I would crawl into his crib, I'd tell Sammy it was ok. I promised him was ok. That is a promise I intend to

keep, until my last breath. Hell, _past_ my last breath. Which is why I made that deal. I watched my mother burn to death, I watched my

father die "mysteriously", but Sam...I watched him die in my arms. I felt his last breath and I felt his heart stop. I wonder if he felt mine

stop as well. That was the final straw for me. And besides, I had a promise to keep. Yes I made that deal. I'd do it again in a heartbeat,

in my sleep. He asked me why I did it, and I told him it was my job. Fuck the job. It's not my duty or my obligation, but my decison. I

don't have a problem looking out for Sam, he's my brother. Who wouldn't sell their soul to save someone they loved? _Exactly_. But

sacrifice comes at a price. I've sacrificed alot in my 28 years. Young but old Bobby says. Boy did he ever hit the hammer on the head

with that one. I feel like a robot, mechanical, cold. I get the hero bit all the time. I'm no hero. I'm _human_. I hurt, I cry, and contrary to

popular belief, I break too, just like everyone else. I'm so broken I don't even know where to begin to pick up the pieces. Sam once

told me I can't handle things on my own, and I'm the only one who thinks I have to take care of myself. Sammy if you only knew. I open

up just to be let down. I opened up to Cassie, and the only comfort she offered was the door. I needed dad more than ever when we

went back to Kansas and he didn't show up or even return my call. Hell I even opened up to you a few times, but it only scared the shit

out of you, it must have because you always seem to be at a loss of words. Who else can I turn to? Besides, crying like a baby isn't my

style. When I thought Sam was going to die because of that virus, I told him I was tired. He said I couldn't just lay down and die, give

up. I don't plan on dying, but little does he know I've already given up. I'm sick of being the strong one, I'm sick of having to be the one

with all the answers. I'm sick of fighting, injuries, losing sleep, being angry all the time, losing people I try so hard to save, everything.

Waking up feeling the weight, it's killing me. It's like something's sitting on my chest suffocating me constantly. I have one year left. And I

don't plan on spending it hunting. I've never had the time to just do me. But now I will. Sometimes you have to let go to see if there's

something worth holding onto. Call me selfish, but that's exactly what I intend to do.


	2. leaving

I own nothing of cousre, Supernatural Season 3 October 4th yay I'll be watching!!! The song used is Yellowcard's breathing. Enjoy, reviews are wanted and appreciated!!!

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo_  
_

_Eyes are feeling heavy but they never seem to close_

Was it possible to be so wide awake but feel so tired? Apparently it was, Dean thought with a sigh. Casting a sideways glance, he spotted Sam sleeping peacefully in the bed next to him.

"Lucky bastard." Dean muttered, flipping over onto his back to stare at the ceiling.

_The fan blades on the ceiling spin but the air is never cold_

He had one year left to live. One year. Sam was alive, which was some constellation. Bobby and Ellen could look after him when he was gone.

_And even though you're next to me I still feel so alone_

He wasn't afraid of many things-death being one of them, but being alone was something he feared most.

_I just can't give you anything for you to call your own_

Sam would be ok. Maybe not at first, but he'd move on. And from Dean's point of view, it would be harder on Sam if he tried and failed to save him a year from now. He knew the burden of having to look after someone all too well, and would be damned if he let Sam expierience it too. One Winchester was enough.

_I can feel you breathing_

_And it's keeping me awake_

_Can you feel it beating?_

_My heart's sinking like a weight_

Sitting up like he'd just made a decison, Dean made his way to Sam's beside. Snoring softly, Sam was oblivious to his presence.

"Hey kiddo. Still keeping your hair long huh? On any other day I'd trim it a little, not so much as to tip you off to what I'd done, but enough to make you think your hair stopped growing." Dean chuckled a little. Straightening a little, he became serious.

_Something I've been keeping locked away behind my lips_

_I can feel it breaking free with each and every kiss_

"I can't do this anymore Sam. I'm tired. You-you wouldn't understand. Sacrificing yourself all the time, it does something to you. I give 100 percent each and _every_ day, and somehow it never seems enough. I-I don't even feel human anymore. I just feel empty." The only response he got to that was Sam stirring a little. When he didn't wake, Dean continued.

_I couldn't bear to hurt you but it's all so different now_

"I know you've noticed that. Me begining to break. Dad's death was just the final straw. I wanted a break, you wanted to keep fighting. That's easy for you to say. You haven't been fighting your entire life. I have. And I'm sick of it."

_Things that I was sure of they have filled me up with doubt_

"I love hunting. One less creature to walk this earth. I like to think of it as one less thing to destroy someone's life, their family. Like the demon did to us." he hesitated.

_And I can feel you breathing_

_And it's keeping me awake_

_Can you feel it beating?_

_My heart's sinking like a weight_

"I understand you wanting normal, you've never had it. Even with Jess, a part of you had to feel like it was all an act. You must've. At night, did you ever wonder if someone's house was being tormented by a vengeful spirit? Or whenever your friends would joke about ghosts, did you flinch? You never had normal Sam. I did. I know what it's like to go to sleep at night without one care in the world. I also know what it's like to have it all come crashing down right in your face." Dean's voice broke at the last sentence, he cleared his throat slightly.

_How am I supposed to feel about the things I've done?_

"Sometimes I wish you could appreciate the fact that I am a person. That besides being your brother-protector I have feelings too. You think I _like _looking into something's eyes and pulling the trigger? God Sam what exactly do you think of me?" Dean asked, knowing he would recieve no response.

_I don't know if I should stay or turn around and run_

"I know what I think of myself. I'm not that screwed in the head to know it isn't healthy. When you were ah, possessed by Meg, you told Jo some pretty nasty things about her father. She asked me if demons told the truth. I said definitely, especially when they know it'll mess with your head. I think the yellow eyed demon was telling the truth that night, when he was in dad's body. He said, you and dad don't need me, not like the way I need you. I believe that to be true, with all my heart. And I'm sorry Sammy I really am." Dean stopped short to wipe away the tear that had managed to escape. "You don't need this. You told me once I'd have to let you go your own way, so I'm telling you to let me go mine." Running a trembling hand through Sam's hair, he made his way to the door. Putting his necklace and a note on his bed, he didn't even look back as the door shut behind him.

_I know that I hurt you things will never be the same  
The only love I ever knew I threw it all away_

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What did you think?


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